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(W31 and W32 are new and W30 will appear next time)

-As we left the gate and the A340 Airbus pushed back we thought that would be the last we would see of Chile for a while, only 10 minutes later we were back to dump off a rather green and vomiting passenger who decided only after honking up most of the last 3 days worth of food all over themselves that they were in fact incapable of flying. So, 45 minutes later we rumbled down the runway for what seemed like an age before we lurched skywards for what was possibly the slowest takeoff ever. As the computer in front of us informed us that we were touching a massive 200mph we wondered if there was a ’small problem’ as we were still at no more than 1500 foot off the ground, then suddenly, as if the Captain realised that he was trying to take off in 5th gear, he jammed it into 2nd gear and we roared off into the dark sky like a scalded cat dowsed in petrol with a fire cracker jammed up its arse.

Of course the flight was the usual joyous affair with Pedro the seat kicker sitting directly behind me who insisted on hoofing my seat every few minutes. Then sitting to my right side was a big, thick Aussie guy who whilst listening to ‘Mama Mia’ on the entertainment system insisted on tapping his plastic cup on the metal edge of his food tray in time to the music. Add to this the ugliest kid in the entire world who screamed at the top of its lungs like it was being force fed sulphuric acid for most of the 14 hour flight, it didn’t make for the greatest of flight. I must admit that my solution to this issue was less than favourable and earned me no end of digs in the ribs and ‘flat stares’ from The General. The only solution at hand, or rather, bottom, was to let one go to settle and even the scores. Yes I have to admit that there is a certain sense of satisfaction from, ‘trumping one off’, ‘dumping the main valve’ and ‘equalising the pressure’ to gain retribution using the ‘brown cloud of stink’. The immediate result of said action was the big Aussie guy turned green, the seat kicker directly behind me almost fainted and the small screaming child almost suffocated. And to add insult to injury, there was either a swarm of mosquitos or fleas on our seats as most of us in row 12 were itching and scratching and left the plane covered in little red bites. So we were scratching like a naked bear in a cheap acrylic wooly jumper by the time we arrived in Auckland, New Zealand.

Which brings me neatly onto one of the most scary and pant filling experiences we have undertaken of late. Namely, a brush with The Law and HER MAJESTYS CUSTOMER AND EXCISE of New Zealand. Now everywhere you look there are signs and videos telling you how ANY infringement of ANY of the laws of New Zealand carry an immediate $200 fine, a prison stay and/or immediate deportation. Knowing this, and also being told by everyone prior to arriving that they are ‘really harsh’ we went for the option of declaring everything that we had, like new tent and camping gear. We even went to the great length of emptying the salt, pepper and oregano from our cooking kit. All around there are these funny little Beagle sniffer dogs who are looking not for drugs but for fruit and meat. As Blondie was in the loo getting rid of the highly offensive and thoroughly illegal ’salt and pepper’ I was chatting to another British guy as one of these dogs came up and sniffed around our bags whilst clambering all over them. It then showed such an interest in his bags that it all but started dry humping his backpack. An immediate on the spot search ensued that produced a stupid looking dog with its tongue hanging out, and its handler efficiently emptying out the entire bag onto the floor to produce nothing more fruity than a dirty pair G strings from his missus. Then is got worse, much worse for us!

As we headed through Customs and into the X-Ray bays we put our bags on the little conveyer belt along with our paperwork and mooched through the machine to be greeted the other side by a bloke holding a tiny conker sized Satsuma Orange in one hand and piece of paper with someone else’s name on in the other, ‘Is this yours Sir?, he enquired. ‘Nope’ I said. He then picked up another piece of paper from underneath the desk, ‘Is this one your Sir?’ whilst still holding the small Orange thing in the other hand. ‘Nope’ I said again. Then he pushed away a backpack that was in front of him before grabbing Karen’s day sack and saying, ‘Is this yours Sir?’ ‘Nope’ I said, ‘but it is my partners’. ‘Right he said’ whilst stuffing the tiny golf ball sized fruit into the side pouch of Karen’s backpack. ‘This’ he said, pointing to the day sack, ‘was in here and you are in direct breach of New Zealand’s Customs and Excise Regulations which carries an on the spot $200 fine,£10,000 Court fine, or time in prison…….COME WITH ME NOW!!!!!!!’…………

PHHHHHHAAAAAARRRRRPPPPPPPP!………(another small brown cloud appeared)

At which point someone poured hot chocolate pudding all down the back of my shorts! We were then unceremoniously frog marched to ‘THE INFRINGEMENT DESK’ in front of all the queuing people, including, screaming child, seater kicker and Mr Fart Nostrils. Anyhoo, ‘Mr Fruit-Hater’s’ supervisor starts to read us the riot act in a very serious manner as if we had just eaten BBQ’ed Kiwi bird and called the entire All Blacks Rugby Team a bunch of Blouse Wearing Poodle Walkers. So, he starts demanding $200. I tell him to bugger off and that he must be joking. He assures me that he isn’t joking and that it’s a very serious matter. So, in the manner to which I was accustomed with Orange for 5 years, I slipped into Legal Beagle mode and thought, ‘No, I’m not taking this’. So tucking my thumbs into my rucksack straps in Old Rumpole Of The Bailey fashion I started on our legal defence. My opening line was quite a crowd stopper. ‘Right, I want a Lawyer right here, right now and I want your bosses here, Oh and I want to call the British Consulate in Wellington’…the somewhat dumbfounded supervisor went a few shades of pale, then red and settled on a wide eyed blank stare. I then decided that seeing as though neither Karen or I saw the guy take the thing out of the bag that we also wanted, ‘every surveillance tape since we got off the aircraft’. Then I came out with my personal favourite and the fine saving line, ‘If your bloody sniffer dog is so good how come it missed the bag, in actual fact, I demand to see your sniffer dog’s personal calibration certificate and how it scored on its last 3 tests’. The guy looked at me and just sighed and said, ‘You are serious aren’t you?’ ‘Yup I said’. So his boss grabbed the paperwork and drew a thick redline through the fine sheet and said, ‘You are free to go but no more bloody fruit oh and welcome to New Zealand, have a nice day’. So sweating more than a pig sweats on a hot summers day in a sheepskin coat we walked through the arrivals door and into Auckland, NZ an hour later than planned.

A short cab ride took us to The Hilton were I burned 90,000 rewards points in 2 night (CAT 6). The next day we headed in a taxi to a Ellersley Racecourse where they have a second hand car market. Our Indian taxi driver called Dennis was very helpful and incredibly friendly, so friendly in fact that he followed us into the car market. 20 minutes later Dennis wanders up to us and says he’s found us 3 types of cars and would we like to follow him. Essentially, Dennis helped us check over, bid, safety check and buy a stunning Toyota Hilux Surf 4×4 Truck. He was so kind he even drove us to a bank to get the money, AND get this, called us the next day at The Hilton to make sure that everything was okay, to offer advice on where to go and what to be careful of (Orange Sniffing Pooches). What a lovely chap and what a warm welcome to New Zealand. In actual fact, this is not uncommon, everywhere you go people are just so friendly. I’m not joking, even at the coffee store or the bank people are genuinely interested in how your day is going? Almost to the point that you feel a little, er hello, do I know you? But they just take that extra few seconds to stop and chat.

We headed North from Auckland in search of new pastures and also new kites. A place called Army Bay was just delightful and we slept in the back in the 4×4. It’s just big enough for my 6 foot frame to stretch out. Waking up in a picture postcard deserted bay with waves lapping at the seashore just feet away from our door was wonderful. In the morning a lovely chappie called Robert started chatting to us and even took us back to his house for coffee and a good rundown on where to go in NZ. Again, if someone did that in the UK you would think they were a psychopath or axe murder, or worse, a Jehovah Witness, but no, Robert was just a very interesting 74 year old retired school teacher amongst other things, and wow what a beautiful house he had. So we heard that there was a Kite Surf Competition 4 hours South and that we might be able to get kit, so off we headed, stopping at a place called Raglan where 2 weeks ago a pod of Orca’s (Killer Whales) swam up a narrow river where Stringrays breed to where the guys from Ozone Kites were testing their R&D kites and yes someone even got it on camera!

After a few hours of driving along the much travelled Surf Coast Highway through gorges and valley and on into open countryside we eventually found a wonderful and very friendly town nestled at the feet of a 250 year, ready-to-pop-at-any-moment snow capped Volcano called Taranaki Region. It’s beauty and awe inspiring breathlessness can only be matched by the warm and friendly locals who live in its shadows. After rocking up at kite beach and chatting to the locals I ended up with an almost brand new 2008 Cabrihna Crossbow 3 12m, and a Crossbow 2 9m for £600 total and get this, a 2008 North Rocketfish 6,0″ for cool £313…….dudes I’m so happy. Oh the kites suck compared to North Rhino’s but then at least I’m back on the water so I can’t complain and I got them super cheap and I can kite with Cameron at Christmas.

Oh and here’s a funny story, well actually, a bit strange in a few ways. Now I haven’t dreamed about my Mum ever since it all happened but the one thing that I always say is that I just wish I could have one of her magical hugs. Those of you that knew my Mum know exactly what I mean. Well, here’s the strange thing, suddenly and out of the blue for no apparent reason, I had 4 nights of dreams about nothing else but my mum being around and giving me hugs???? How strange is that?? And I can tell you that with all this stunning scenery around, it just makes it all the much better. BUT, those dreams have now passed and have been replaced by this little stunner. In my dream I am Tarzan and I am swinging through the jungle on the vines wearing a Cammo G-string that for some reason is on back to front (ewww) whilst being chased by flying Penguins who are all mad as hell about something but they are all carrying Kalashnikov AK 47 Assault Rifles under their flippers??? Anyone got any ideas???

We got to the Kite contest to discover that it was the first official New Zealand Kiteboarding Wave Nationals. Which, next year will more than likey be a KPWT Wave Masters event. There was one other Pro there and the organisor said that it was in aid of charity and The Childrens Cancer Trust. So I agreed to shoot for free and give all of my proceeds directly to his charity. Well it seemed only right. The standard of riding was a tad sketchy but by the second day they seemed to be riding the waves a bit better. I guess we have just been spoiled for choice what with Abel, Jaime, Jo and Youri and so on. There are a few of the better images in W32 file. We also met a great bloke called Les who is a Chef on super yachts. Massive big airs won the day.

Okay so we moved on again to Tongariro Region which interestingly enough is where a lot of The Lord Of The Rings was filmed. So, as I write this I am looking out the window at MOUNT DOOM! Yup, that’s right good old Orc Country, with The Dark Lord Sauron him very self looking down from Mordor and I can tell you he’s mightily miffed about something. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, marvel at the wonder of The Orc Road and The Ithilien Camp, be shocked and amazed by Emyn Muil but stand in awe of The Door Of Sammanth Naur. Of course in reality it’s all crap as you hoon up a track going up the side of the volcano doing 80kmh in 4 wheel drive with a dust storm spewing out from the back of the truck to discover that there is, in actual fact, no huge, red, fiery eye staring down at you, rather a few peeved looking hikers wishing they had a 4×4 to do the 16kms back to the road as we speed passed covering them in dust.

Having a 4×4 means essentially that we don’t hike up mountains, we drive up. We don’t wade across streams, we drive across. We don’t climb tress, we drive up them and chase small fury things along branches until they leap off the end, and yes, you’ve guessed it, in our 4×4 we follow. Having a 4×4 makes you feel like a sort of Superhero, wrapped up in your cape. Big chunky tyres and a 3 litre turbo charged engine makes you feel like you could drive to the centre of the earth before lunch with a caramel latte sitting in the coffee cup holder whilst listening to you iPod as you crash over boulders, ruts and Orcs.

All joking apart though, we have been travelling now for two and a half years and we have seen some pretty incredible things but New Zealand is beating them all. It is kind of tough to balance up things like the beauty of Machu Picchu, the majesticness of a Hump Back Whale breaching off the coast of Ecuador or the silence as a Bolivian Desert Fox edges closer and closer to you to almost take food from your hand. It just seems that New Zealand edges ahead though. For example, we drove a road called ‘The Forgotten Highway’ a few days ago. Before we left the locals warned, ‘Make sure you have a full tank of gas and a spare can as well. Watch out for unexpected things to happen and be careful as the weather changes really fast up there’. So off we headed along the 147km highway that you need a 4×4 to drive along as it is a gravel road with sometimes just rocks where the road should be. A sign saying ‘NO FUEL FOR 180KM’  makes you gulp a little harder than is nice. But then the glorious weather changes are you come around a bend into thick sheets of rain, then back to glorious sun shine, then hail, then fog, then ice, then sun, and so it continues as you stop off to take photos of various waterfalls, sheep, valleys, and so on. As we rounded one incredible viewpoint we saw a huge bird of prey swooping the road and we assumed that is was carrion it was after but as we got closer we realised that it was in actual fact a Duck, a very much alive Duck, running for its life straight down the middle of the road, followed by 12 little duckling. Now interfering in nature is a dangerous thing as life needs to go on, so I obeyed the rule. I stuck my hazard lights on, blocked the road and proceeded to run down the road waving my arms at the bird of preying whilst trying to shepherd the 13 water birds back into a ditch. Job done, I jumped back into the truck and drove off feeling mightily pleased with myself only to see the bird of prey come screaming out of the trees and the duck waddle back into the road to fight and I hope win its battle against the bird. Hoe Hum, life goes on I guess.

Later on the same road another emergency crossed our path as a hedgehog was smack bang in the middle of the road. We weren’t sure if it was sunbathing or had been half run over but it was still very much alive. So, in true boy fashion I found a stick and poked it. I then managed to get it off the road before we drove off. Luckily about 30 cars a day use this road so it stood a good chance. Around a few more bends and there were a million escaped sheep in the road, and so it went on like that for most of the trip. Just think what it must be like to drive across the set of Lord Of The Rings and you get the general idea.

Okay so that’s it for another episode of Around The World with Karen and Chris. Oh one last thing before we go, now this was funny and you will understand when you see the photos. Okay, so we are high up on the ski fields looking down on the valleys and over to Mount Doom. Well there is just a little bit of snow left here and there, so, seeing as though there is no one around for miles in any direction, whoff, off come my clothes and armed with only my North Face boots and my rucksack I climb into the snowy ravine for some funny pictures. (Thank God I have a good zoom cos it was very cold, if you know what I mean! Like a small frightened squirrel, huh hum, suffice to say gathering in my nuts wouldn’t have taken long! Anyhoo, we find another bank of snow and up I climb to have Blondie take a picture. ‘Lay on the side and pose for me’ she yells at me and I duly oblige. Then disaster, I slip and go face first down a snowy and icy bank. Like a human toboggan I raced down the slope heading for the lava rocks! I end up in a crumpled heap at the bottom with Blondie in absolute hysterics and me with ice jammed up inside my trousers!

Okay, so a quick update and sadly not such good news. Firstly, we are okay but a bit unsettled. We were at a camp site in Lake Taupo and we were asleep in the tent next to the truck when 3 trucks got broken into and they nicked all our stuff. Thank God we found it a few metres away. So we left and moved to another campsite 100km away, but it got worse, much worse. On the morning of Sunday 23rd at 4am we were woken by the Japanese guy next to us screaming at the top of his lungs. Essentially, he woke up with a dude IN HIS TENT wearing a white ski mask. He gave chase but the guy ran off with his wallet and backpack. I ran out of our tent and then back in again to put some shorts on….then, cut a very long story short, 7 tents had been burned open with a heat cutting tool, some tents had THREE openings big enough to crawl through and everyone had stuff nicked but they left it all behind and just took cash. About $3000 was taken. Everyone’s car or truck was broken into, including ours, for the second time in 3 days! We lost nothing but the Scene Of Crimes guys who came out said we were very lucky. So what with my camera being broken and now us being scared, er, sh*tless to stay in a tent and leave out truck alone we’ll take a small break from these blogs.

Trust me when I say this, If you believe in God, or like me don’t, well anyway when he/she/it/they created New Zealand on the best day of his life using a palette of pastel colours, an icecream scoop, 20 gamibbion sheep, more green paint than B&Q, wild animals and a passion for incredible and breath taking scenery that humbles the viewer into a position whereby you realise that Pacha Mama (Mother Earth) is a fragile and delicate thing that needs looking after. New Zealand is just beautiful.

Cheers from us and back soon with more fun and hi-jinks later and with any luck, far less robberies and stories of being fingerprinted by the NZ feds.

Hugs

Chris and Blondie

Categories: LBS News